Well, this is probably the saddest post...As most of you already know, I lost my precious Mama today. At 1002 this morning, my beautiful Mama passed away. There are absolutely no words to describe the pain in my heart as I come to terms with this incredible loss. Although we started losing her in March, to lose the physical being after the long goodbye is amazingly heartbreaking.
The doctor who initially saw Mom at the UofA thought it best if we leave well enough alone but the second fellow thought if she were HIS mom, he'd treat her. So, after thinking long and hard and weighing all the facts (with the help of my son, Jason), I/some of us, decided it would be in Mom's best interest to, at the very least, give her a fighting chance before giving up on her. At the time, my thoughts were that if they could treat the issues, perhaps she stood a good chance of recovering to even 75% of the baseline she was at prior to her illness. I would not and could not spend my life wondering "what if" I hadn't given her that chance to at least fight for that recovery. What kind of daughter would I be? And so began the long goodbye...
As it would turn out, her fight would ultimately weaken her whole body, not the other way around. I guess the toll the internal bleed and then the massively high levels of hormones released into her body when her thyroid went askew, as well as the fatally high INR she had upon admission to the UofA, only contributed to a lethal concoction that would take three months to destroy her little body. If only we mortal humans were blessed with the ability to see into the future...perhaps I could have seen what kind of problems life might have held for her, rather than wondering "what if?" But alas, I am not a psychic and pushed to take my chances in hopes that she had enough strength to make it through that battle...not knowing what was in store for her.
Half way through the battle, it was determined that her little heart was only functioning at 10%...however, it never really functioned at much more than that following her surgery in 2005, anyway. I may not remember the exact number, but I do know that it wasn't much more than that, if any...and that's why they implanted the defibrillator/pacemaker. She had virtually zero strength on the left side of her heart and without the defib/pacemaker, she would die. So, I didn't see this 10% "issue" as being much of a challenge...at least not for a woman who'd beaten the odds a number of times before. But again, I guess she'd been beaten down by the Alzheimer's just enough that her brain wasn't going to cooperate to the extent we needed it to. Thanks in no small part to the previously mentioned internal bleed. You see, the Alzheimer's fed off of the internal bleed in that it starved the brain of blood flow/oxygen because her body was trying to heal itself...trying to stop itself from bleeding to death...so, unbenounced to any of us, it accelerated the progression of the Alzheimer's while working to save her life. That's where her personality started to change. It should have set off warning signs all over the place. But, the doctors thought it only temporary...so much for temporary.
Because she'd been bedridden for so long, Mom ended up with a urinary tract infection (UTI) because she'd had a Foley catheter in for far too long - which can, in the elderly or those with Alzheimer's, become critical or fatal. That's what sent her on another trek to the hospital to where she would change even more...and where she would meet up with the two doctors who would change our lives with their vastly different opinions...and the rest, starts at the beginning of the blog...
By all accounts, every medical professional I spoke with insisted I'd made the right decision when I told them about giving her the chance to fight. There wasn't ONE person in the medical field who thought otherwise...except for the FIRST doctor who thought I should pull the plug before even running ONE test. And regardless of what anybody thinks or says, I still stand by my convictions - I did make the right decision. I wouldn't change anything. I did not make a mistake by standing my ground and giving Mom a fighting chance for the past three months. Nobody can predict the future and to "pull the plug" without knowing all the facts is just wrong. I can honestly say, the only person who knew whether she had a fighting chance or not was the woman who gave it her all, succeeded on some days and failed on others; but ultimately it was her body that made the decision nobody else could make for her...She still knew I was Sue, still said, "I love you" at least once as I finished my daily visit with her (even on Tuesday), sometimes told me she loved me FIRST, and above all, knew I was with her as she drew her last breath.
There is no greater love than that of a Mother's love...I shall treasure your memory always, Mama. And I will love you with every fibre of my being until my dying breath...
Your precious, little girl...Sue
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